Past

Growing up in a home where someone is addicted can have a profound impact on how you view the world, your relationships, and how you navigate life. If addiction is part of your past, some of these may be true for you now:

Its nearly impossible to say no to others. Its overly important that people like you. Its hard to express your opinion when its different or opposing. You do so much for other people that you are left with nothing for yourself.
You second guess every decision you make. You feel like every decision is the wrong decision. You ask for too much advice that it becomes confusing.
Something inside is telling you these people aren’t really your friends. You don’t want to be left out but don’t have fun when you join in. You think you are dating someone but its not clear. There seems to be a lot of secrets and guessing when it comes to friends and romantic interests. How other families interact is worlds away from your experience.
Life could be so different if you could just steer clear of certain people. You feel tied to them though, a sense of loyalty keeps you stuck, but you get little satisfaction and gratification from these relationships.
You could be in a room full of people who seem to look and act just like you, and yet you feel completely alone. You edit yourself, don’t share all your thoughts, because you think no one will get it.
No one can do what you can do, and you’ll be sure to not let anyone help you. After all, you don’t need help. You’ve got it covered. When someone offers help, your back goes straight as if they just hurled an insult your way, as if they were saying you are incapable.
Its hard to predict what others might be thinking, but you sure try. Its hard to know how others are going to react, so you do your best to control for all possible outcomes. Its exhausting having so much of your time consumed with something you have such little control over.
This is mostly for you. You just yourself incessantly. Nothing is ever good enough. Of course, there is always room for improvement in life, but you beat yourself down daily. And you have a laundry list of people that are doing things “the right way.”
When you get down to it, you’re unhappy with yourself. You’re unhappy with where you are in life, who you surround yourself with, how you look and act, the choices you make… Its really hard to do things differently, to make a change. You aren’t even sure if you’re worthy of change. Do you deserve better? What would that even look like?
“I will never be like…”. Sometimes this comes through loud and clear. Sometimes its deeper, more subtle, but just as strong. Your parents are your parents; that can’t be changed. Its hard to stay connected to such a complex relationship.